Thursday, 8/19/10 - Shopping For Monsters

"Clowns."

"Pardon me?"

"You asked what sells best. Most people want clowns. After that it depends on what is popular in the media. We had a big rush on vampires a few years back when the movie Interview With A Vampire first came out. That waned and now with Twilight we have vampires and werewolves. But, no matter what is happening in the movies, clowns are always a favorite."

"Seems strange. Clowns?"

"People are terrified of clowns. Probably started when they were kids and they just never got over it."

I look around the store once more then down at the little devil that I am holding. "I'm afraid that this is just not not doing it for me. I can't see myself being scared by this."

"What you see depends largely on which end you are viewing it from."

I turn it around, still not seeing what I am hoping for. "I don't know. I was looking for something with a bit more, ummm..."

"This model does have all of the features you requested." He picks up another one, looks at it, shakes his head then returns it to the shelf. "May I suggest something from this rack over here?"

"An implant? Oh, I would worry about that."

"Then we're on the right track."

"That does make sense, doesn't it?"

"I have the implant and, just like the personal take-along models that you have been looking at, this one is fully customizable. Let me see here..." He runs his finger down the questionnaire I had completed. "Your demon should have coarse, tufty hair on the eyebrows and ears. It should have scales on the legs and torso. You prefer paws with cracked, yellowed, craggy claws instead of hands. Add some razor-sharp teeth and a saw-toothed tail... All of these things can be configured on your implant, just the way you hate them."

He let's me think about it for a moment before confiding, "I chose to have red, glowing eyes and phlegmy breathing sounds installed in mine."

He pauses again as I look at prices. I hadn't planned on spending that much. "Implants are a lot more expensive."

"That's true but what's it worth to you to have your fears with you at all times ready to scare the be-jeeses out of you at any moment? And, just in case you were wondering if the implant would reduce the anxiety of losing your little monsters or having them stolen, the answer is no. The implant comes with the fear of loss and theft as a standard feature. The best part is that you know that the fear is irrational - you can't lose your implant and no one can steal it - so the fear is heightened by overwhelming internal conflict and confusion. Whoever designed this is brilliant! Really brilliant."

"I'm afraid that I can't afford the implant."

"That's perfect! I will go ahead and program it with all of the physical requirements you specified. While I am doing that, you can review the phobias you would like to have installed. The base package includes two standard phobias and 4 that you can select from this list." He hands me a long sheet that starts with Ablutophobia and ends with Zoophobia. "Or, you can choose from any of the pre-configured packages on the back."

I turn the sheet over and look at the packages. They all look good to me but I don't want to choose a package that would limit me. I want to be able to add new fears in the future.

My head is buzzing with questions that I am just too afraid to ask. Which makes me worry. Am I buying something that I really don't need?