Father Michel Hidalgo stands in front of his office door.
Bless me Father...
Confessions always start that way. Father Michael had heard many confessions, and had used these words himself many times in his sixty-eight years. The only difference today was the ending.
... for I am about to sin.
He knows what the church says. He knows what the bible says. He knows what society says.
He knows that fourteen year old Juan Garces sits alone on the other side of the door. He knows what he is going to do with Juan.
No, what he must do with Juan.
He absently fingers the rosary in his pocket and wonders why God compels us to love one another then places restrictions on that love. Why He gave some people desires they couldn't control.
To a framed picture of St. Sebastian he thinks, "You had it easy, my friend. Your wounds could be healed."
He reaches for the doorknob but stops himself. If only he could stop himself, turn around and let the boy leave without this encounter.
Trying to compose himself, he takes a deep breath and looks out the window. It's the stone wall surrounding the cemetery across the street that he sees. And he thinks of Raul. Raul was older than Juan but softer, more emotional.
He had tried hard to show Raul the fullness of God's love but there was something inside Raul that just couldn't accept love.
Juan was different.
He would be different, too.
Holding the doorknob he waits one more moment considering the the sin he is about to commit, praying for guidance and wishing it was not so.
Raul, poor, beautiful Raul. If he had only been more gentle, less aggressive Raul might still be alive.
It wasn't his fault. He has tried to convince himself that it was not his fault. But, it was. He knows this and he lives with the sting of these arrows every day.
Now, there is Juan. Another scared, confused, lonely, beautiful boy.
Waiting.
Alone.
Just like Raul, Juan had confessed to Father Michael his interest in other boys.
With Raul, his advice was in line with society, with church teachings and with the word of God. By all accounts, he had done what was right. And Raul, unable to change, had taken his own life.
His advice to Juan would be different. If that is a sin then it is one that he can live with.
Bless me Father for I am about to sin.
He turns the knob and slowly pulls the door open.
If this were part of a lengthier story, I would probably "buy" it. However, in this short version, it seems overly dramatic and unrealistic. It doesn't quite capture the essence of what a gay priest must feel before he seduces a young kid.
ReplyDeleteI obviously didn't do a good job on this one. The priest is neither gay nor trying to seduce the boy. Instead, he must decide if he should tell the boy that it is OK to be what the church says is wrong.
ReplyDeleteI did not get the impression that the priest was gay, but merely fighting to find the courage and the words to tell the boy to listen to his heart.
ReplyDelete